LOOKING BACK: 28 YEARS OF MY LIFE

Hello everyone. I am more than grateful to you for reading this post. I had only imagined myself writing this first blog post. Let this be an introductory post about me.

My name is Siddhika Moktan. I’m 28 years old and currently pursuing my PhD in Sociology from Jadavpur University in Kolkata. In these 28 years of living, I’ve learned, unlearned and relearned through different experiences. I’ve released many of the limiting beliefs and learned to embrace changes in life.

I believe that the Universe responds to what we ask for in its own way and in its own time. I derive inspiration in life from the people around me and their experiences. Always wanted my first post to be an introductory post so that whatever I share after this resonates with you.

Growing up

 I was timid and shy as a child growing up in Kalimpong, a beautiful hill station in West Bengal, India with my twin brother. I used to be an imaginative girl, always dreaming about the future and creating scenarios in my mind and still do it.

Reading was my happy space in childhood even if it was just a dictionary. For most of my life I have adhered to the definition of being a ‘good girl’, only realising that I was constantly trying to please people and live according to their expectations. 

Early in life, I got a taste of excellence when I got good grades in school. My family has always had confidence in me and pushed me to strive for excellence.

In 2010, I moved to Siliguri (a city approximately 68 kilometers from Kalimpong) for my schooling. It was my first ever experience of staying away from family at 15.

Hostel life

 The next phase of my life began when I started living in a hostel for my schooling. I was a teenager who had never lived away from family. I remember my father asking me if I knew how to take care of myself. Soon, my journey of learning began.

Hostel life has given me a bundle of good memories, friends like family, and numerous life lessons. Living with a family gives us a sense of security and dependency but living in a hostel with people my age and slightly older than me was a different experience.

I learned the lesson of acceptance in my hostel life. People with different experiences and knowledge and personality meet and must live together. I have lived in 3 hostels in a span of 6 years and I am fortunate enough to meet my friends who have become family to me.

Hostel life has made me aware of so many different cultures and their traditions. The mere excitement of sharing each other’s stories and learning about each other has made me really accepting of people for who they are and not expect them to be who I want them to be.

Experience of quitting

 I had taken Chemistry Honours in my first year. I had to move to Kolkata for that. Moving to a new city came with challenges. I was a bright student as a child and my family always had great expectations of me academically. Honestly, I wasn’t able to cope with the pressure I had to take for Chemistry. It had a great toll on my mental and physical health.

I finally decided to quit after one year of classes. I was stripped of confidence at that time. My parents rushed to Kolkata when I told them about the decision. Though they were sceptical when they heard it, they supported me by looking at my condition.

Rebound

 I immediately took admission to another college and took Sociology without knowing much about the subject. I move closer to home at North Bengal St.Xavier’s College in Siliguri which is closer to my hometown. It happened when I was at a low phase in life. Gradually, I started developing an interest in the subject. My health had improved as well.

In the second year of college, the same panic and anxiety struck back stronger during and after exams. Physical symptoms started appearing. Difficulty breathing was the most common one. All the essential tests (Blood tests, ECG) were done. The doctors just told me that it was because of stress and gave me medicines that didn’t work.

I was young and still dependent on my parents. We were hardly aware of seeking therapy. I was scared initially but it took many years for me to learn how to battle it. I took the drug-free route.

Decoding the Secret

 Now that I look back, I understand that what I needed the most at that time was a fresh new outlook. At that time, in the hostel, my friend Suchitra used to talk about spirituality and she introduced me to the teachings of Sister Shivani of the Brahmakumaris. Listening to her talks on YouTube and reading books like “The Monk who Sold his Ferrari” by Robin Sharma really transformed my perspective on life. I learned to be more grateful and accepting in life.

Even today, when I feel lost, when I feel I lack clarity when things are not going well in life I listen to inspiring talks by Sister Shivani and Robin Sharma to gain internal clarity. I also took Arfeen Khan’s “The Incredible You” programme in 2019 which helped me take practical steps to achieve my goals. This change in mindset has helped me deal with life’s situations better.

Experience of manifestation

 As I have written earlier, I have been a daydreamer since childhood. I had no hope of doing well when I took up Sociology. Working on my mental health was my priority since 2014. I practised positive self-talk, gratitude, positive affirmations and meditation. I do not claim that these are the remedies to fulfil your life dreams, but this attitude of gratitude and positivity has made me hopeful of a better tomorrow and acknowledge each and everything in life. The actions that I took with this attitude have helped me manifest many of my aims in life. I passed my graduate degree with a silver medal in Sociology.

Got admission to Jadavpur University for my Master’s degree. I qualified for the NET and SET exams.

I worked in an NGO which I always wanted to do. Manifestations reinforced my belief in the power of having this attitude. I shall dedicate an entire post about manifestations sometime later.

Journey ahead

 I have stepped into 2023 on a hopeful note. I consider myself privileged to be surrounded by loved ones, a healthy body, and a purpose to look forward to each day. Having witnessed the pandemic and the grave situations all over the world, the negative thoughts consumed me. I went out of track from the positive mindset and habits that I had developed. Life got busier in 2021 when I stopped following my morning routine of yoga and meditation and journaling. I started becoming constantly distracted and stressed by the overflowing contents.

My recent trip to Meghalaya was a rejuvenation as it took me out of the mundane routines. A week away from the daily routines made me assess the last 2 years. Maybe it was the magic of the new place that filled my heart with gratitude and contentment. The last 2 years may not have been a fulfilling year but I realised that I have still made progress. I lost my uncle in 2021 and my grandmother in 2022. With their blessings, I hope to achieve bigger goals in the upcoming years.

The present me is calmer and has learned to deal with stress and whatever life throws at me.

In 2023, I promised to be back on track and fulfill my long-pending goals.

So, here I take the first step by starting this blog. Here, I hope to inspire and uplift you through my writings. I intend to utilise this platform to add value to your life and provide words of encouragement and motivation.

Thank You for your time.